I'm going to rape someone's good day.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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