What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
