Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
