I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
