Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
