proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
