I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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