why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
