So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
