ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
