When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
