Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
