No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize