My room smells like vodka and shame
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
