also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
