Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
