I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
