So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
