It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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