hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
