yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
