i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All I want is dick and wine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
