Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
