Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
