I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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