Jerry, you need to find god
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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