I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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