anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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