The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
