His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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