I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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