Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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