The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
