The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
