I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
