new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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