I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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