the condom got lost in my hair
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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