remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
