I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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