I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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