I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
