Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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