New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
