I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
