apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
