I wish I could teleport
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
