I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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