New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
