If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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