My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
