Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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