Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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