does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
