dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
