Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
