life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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