can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
