i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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