he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
