You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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